Beasts of Sonara by Shawn C. Butler

Author:Shawn C. Butler [Butler, Shawn C.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bowker
Published: 2021-11-11T22:00:00+00:00

Fall

Otoño

The Monkey

Monkey Reaching for the Reflection of the Moon

The monkey is reaching for the moon in the water.

Until death overtakes him, he’ll never give up.

If he’d let go the branch and disappear in the deep pool,

The whole world would shine with dazzling pureness.

— Hakuin Ekaku, early 1700s —

Mortar and Pestle

Mortero y Maja

The ocean was an intimate whisper of tiny waves on warm, golden sand. Isabela’s face glowed in the firelight, her eyes flickering black and brown. I could read anything I wanted into the depths of her unfocused gaze: the story of my creation and annihilation, sex and violence, promises of love and intimacy, all things and none because eyes aren’t windows into another’s soul; they’re reflections of your own. What I saw that night was both terrifying and irresistible, as if I yearned for pain. I could slice myself open on the sharp edge of her indifference and bleed out in the sand, and that would be just fine as long as I could feel her skin next to mine.

“You’re always collating yourself,” she said. We’d been talking about Everest, what was real and what was left out. “Wait, that’s not right.” Her face scrunched up. “You’re always curating yourself. That’s it.”

“I’m still not sure what you mean.”

“Yes, you do. Your life is a bunch of museum exhibits. You pick what to display based on the season and the audience. It’s just the part of the story you feel comfortable telling. You’re always holding something in the back. No one ever knows the whole story. Your openness is just a way of hiding something.”

“You’re not as drunk as I thought,” I said. “And you’re not exactly an open book either.”

“That’s fair.” She sat up, her expression changing from soft to hard, open to closed, like a door slamming shut. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. Why are we here, Ray? It’s very romantic and I appreciate the effort, but do you really just want to tell stories until we have sex in the sand and pretend everything’s all right?”

Oh, I thought, it’s finally here. The moment when we’re honest with each other and the Ray-and-Izzy story comes to an end. I’d put it off so long I almost thought it would never come. Every question I had led to an argument that ended our relationship, and so I hid from it or rationalized it away. Jon had told me to be careful, everyone had, and I’d ignored them all. But now that it was here, I felt none of the dread I’d feared. I felt relief.

“Just ask, Ray. Whatever’s bothering you, say it. I’m not going to break. I know you’ve been asking around about Laila. I know you met with Jon to talk about it. There are no secrets in this town, not for long, and not from me. Don’t you get that? Eventually, I see everything. Chandu just bleeds memories, and even if she doesn’t, everyone talks. That’s how Sonara works.”

“Izzy…” I reached for her hand, but she pulled away.

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